Dogs Are the New People

Fox Television--who else?--is a making a movie a about the deranged antics of Travis the Monkey, who pulled that poor woman's face off (it could be Ann Coulter's acting debut). And Judd Apatow is in talks with the man in Nebraska who put his kitten into a bong. But now...

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The Curious Case of Benjamin Neglect

Octuplet mom Nadya Suleman has altered her nose, lips, and hairstyle to resemble Angelina Jolie then deliberately conceived eight mouths to feed when she could not feed the other six babies at home. She is clearly mentally unstable and as defective as salmonella-tainted peanut butter bar. And I love her....

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91-Year-Old Lady on Oxygen Tank Plays the Drums

I am getting to that age where I am too old to play the boy next door and too young to play Uncle Fester. I don't mind the laugh lines around my eyes or the slowness in the morning when I am doing my sit-ups. Really, the only problem I...

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The Day the Porn Stood Still

If video killed the radio star, the Internet has killed the porn star. The information super-highway is about to intersect with the Hershey highway and, soon, no one will be able to get off.

I can live without the auto industry. I can accept that Fannie Mae may kick my...

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Anne Heche, Phone Home

One of the supreme moments of free-range celebrity gone haywire was when Anne Heche (pronounced "he-she") appeared on Larry King Live. The pretty actress was rambling about having taken ecstasy tablets and being abducted by space aliens. As I sucked on my Dove Bar, I thought, "it doesn't didn't get...

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Jesus Likes Gays, "But Not in That Way"

Here is an impression of Jesus that you can do at parties that is sure to amuse: Pour water on floor, then walk on it. Wait five minutes and wait to see who follows you to the bar.

Proposition 8, which passed with 52 percent of...

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My Mother

My mom and dad are New Yorkers who left the tenement streets of the Bronx and came to Los Angeles when West Side Story was real. They have the scars to prove it.

"They used to break bottles on a fence and follow me home. Look where they got me."...

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Millionaire Matchmaker, or Love in the Time of Chlamydia

There is something honest about prostitution, but the thing to remember is that we pay whores to leave, not to stay. Sometimes, if we really have a lot money, we pay whores not to talk on television!


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